Hola mis amigos. Como estas? Blah..me too.

Im still alive guys, just, not on DA much anymore. I've been drawing, but...no motivation to finish any of them. Too busy. I got a job.

It's alright.

They're working me to death, but that's to be expected. I get a day off next week, usually one a week....so I'll try to finish up some of my things. I've got a cute little self portrait going on. Not much, but I like how the lines are comming out. (sketched it out on a napkin, so yea....going to have to go completely digital with this one). NOW you can see how annoying getting you people art can be. XD

Me...sorta: [link]

We had a Hurricane. Not bad, only ten people died. But we have really bad flooding >.<. I had to help a friend save their stuff the other day, 5 feet of water INSIDE their house. Ugh...I swear I caught some weirdo disease from all the standing water. (You can't see your feet, its all brown and gross)

Get bit by a water snake or something and die.


Don't even bother to read this...It's more there for me, than for you. XD


When you have so much time on your hands, you really start to think.

I haven't been able to sleep right for some time now, so my 'time' on hand adds up.


Revelations, where to begin?

My nose is too big.

My nickname is too weird.

My base of 'friends' has dwindled down to nothing.

My fingernails are too long.

My hair is too frizzy.

The Olympics really ARE on 24 hours a day.

Humans are weak.

My laundry doesn't do its self.

Depression hurts.

My face isn't all that attractive, more pudgy and worn out than anything.

My dreams from a year ago and the dreams of today are so different.

My ability to find the one person that can hurt me the most is almost uncanny.

My ability to lose said person is even better.

Most people find me a liar.

Most people don't take the time to see that it's not me.

My future is blank.

My current living situations lack any and all humane judgments.



My list could go on and on...point is, none of it is going to get any better. I dont have the will anymore to push for things like that. Things, so simple, yet so out of reach.

Why?

Maybe with all this insight being thrown at me, i'll figure it out. It can't be just one thing...its numerous things starting to pile up all at once. So i'll be the first to admit that I've given up.

Nothing wrong with it...no shame in it. Just...gave up. People can only struggle so long until their muscles grow weak and their limbs give out. I'm not atlas...I can't hold a planet on my shoulders. Nor am I a Hercules, half as powerful, yet still able to not be crushed entirely.

I am human, and I am weak. I'd go splat with a rock, let alone a whole planet.

Confusion can do that to you....or hurt....or pain, or what ever you'd like to title it. Personally, I'll call it regret.

I'm a regret, and everything I've accomplished is somebodies regret. Things would be so much easier if I had been born in a different time and place, had chosen a different path in life, not ended up with the people I ended up with. I don't care what or where or how. It would be ok just as long as the people I now love had been spared.

Nothing wrong with that?

So why does life do this to you? Why would it send you blows it knew you couldn't deal with? Is it it's funny way of getting a rise out of people? Or is it just certain individuals, surely this pain can't be anything compared to what others have felt...some...but not many.

No, its wanting to rip out your chest because the pain inside is worse than anything on the outside. Clawing at it, begging and screaming.

It's wanting to feel anything but hurt, even if its nothing. It's wanting to erase yourself because nothing can matter as much to you as someone else. Why would I care for myself anyway? I've never put ME first. Ever.

So what do you do next, after you pour your entire heart and soul into one thing. Why? Havn't a clue. I couldn't help myself. Never could when it came to people.

Certain people, just have that pull, you know like an immediate best friend, a lost loved one from a past life, or hell even a soul mate. Certain, special people that you knew instantly you were meant to know and love.

So you put everything into them. And what? You knew it was comming? You knew it was a stupid thing to do. Put yourself into someone so completely? Bad idea...every fiber of your being should have been fleeing to the other direction. But it was that unseen force, those invisible cables locking you down and towards this person all at the same time. You couldn't explain it...it wasn't love. It was more, and at the same time, less than that. All of it...meant nothing. Words couldn't describe it even. But it was there.

And it was a bad choice.

So why can't I bring myself to regret it all? It's stupid, very stupid to have that kind of hope still.

Hope...well, then again, do I even have that left?

You can only brush yourself off and try again so many times before you're incapable of standing back up, much less crawling off to the sidelines with some dignity left in your body of broken bones.

When I was younger I believed in a god. 'His name is God, and he loves me very much'. Obviously some things have changed...I just de-stupified and realized that...no god could put someone through so much pain...would give anyone something they couldn't handle, or find an escape from. To create such a terrible thing in the first place? Yea...right.

So there's no god to run to. And the friend category? Yea...Did I ever mention I was anti-social?

For so many years i've believed a certain way; had faith in certain people; given all I could give; slapped myself for doing certain things. All for what? Regret?

Yea...I regret. I regret a lot.

I AM a regret.

If I could have one wish, it would be to go back in time...to try and fix everything I've fucked up. Maybe those people would be better off...maybe not. But I would no longer be a part of their lives, would have nothing to do with their falling apart, or (and i'd hope) the betterment of their lives.

There would be no complications to arise from me. There wouldn't be the hurt and pain I have, and that others feel because of me. Sure, everyone hurts in different ways, and they'd no doubtably hurt still. But it wouldn't all be coming from me.
You know?

Hell, if anyones a curse here its me.



"We as a whole, are a shell of our former selves. We are no longer human. We have taken for granted what it means to be human.

No, we are not human...we are savage and weak. We are monsters."


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Clubs I'm in:

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Friends:

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